hi! i'm new in here, so, if there's any rules in posting please tell me.
i'm trying to write a story, please give out your critique after reading it.
here is the 1st part of the story
Journey ~The Beginning~
Under the calm sky
Students of dormitory are walking lightly to start their usual day of school
Wearing the white colored uniform, gently they could feel the breeze.
The sun, the trees, and the chatter of students welcome the day.
Though… there are differences on the student’s uniform.
White layered blue & white layered red.
The differences are not that big. No one has ever thought deeply serious about the differences. They all think that’s as normal case.
White layered blue uniform presents students from regular classes. They’re all normal children from normal family
White layered red uniform presents students from S-class. Special Class.
All the students of S-class are good looking, gorgeous, and very wealth. Either they’re the heir of a company or child from politicians, designers, artist, athletes, and many other.
That’s the difference of them. Though it’s already considered as a large gap of differences between regular & S class, but the truth are beyond what they will think of.
Standing among the crowd, a girl with white layered blue uniform at the gate. Looking at the school building, amazed by it.
Sure she is. She’s today new transfer student.
Ellethia. A girl with old style glasses of secretary & braided hair. Soft blue colored hair & with usual face of hers. Though her face is so so but she has the best skin which you could find so far. Fairly smooth skin like a baby. A small postured body, which only 155 cm so far, big & round eyes, pink lips & white skin like snow.
“Everyone, today we have a new transfer student, please introduce yourself” said the teacher with warm smile.
“My name is Ellethia. All my friends just call me Elle. I don’t really put my interest over something but when I’ve found what I fond of, it’s hard for me to let go of my favorite things. I’m the only one left in my family cause of some accident, so I transfer here to start over my life. I’m glad if you all want to befriends with
“Well, you could sit there, at the second row. Beside our class rep, Alcolt. if you have anything that you don’t understand, you could ask her.”
“Mmmm…. Alcolt, I hope you will take her go around our school so she could know more. Like a tour? Hahaha…” said the teacher.
“Well, go to your seat.” While he lightly pat his hand to Lacus small shoulder.
Then she walks steadily to her seat
“Hello, nice to meet you Lacus. I’m the class rep. Alcolt Rothagaz. Everyone calls me Alcolt”
“Nice to meet you too.” And smiled at Alcolt
After the class over, Elle and Alcolt went together, he’s on duty to introduce their school to the new transfer student
“Well, this is our cafeteria, at the middle of our building. If you walk again to the right, there’s the garden. Maybe you already see it before when you enter this school. We have a really amazing garden. But don’t get lost, since the garden connected to our school unused building, and there’s many creepy trees. The creepy part are from the girls though, haha…”
“Hmm… yes I do. When I first enter my application form to school, I got really surprised by the garden. It’s awesome; we have a big fountain and pond with lotus on top of it. Then decorations of 12 zodiacs. Not to mention the roses are all bloom perfectly.”
“Sounds like you really like our garden”
“Yes! It’s marvelous.”
“Do you know why we have this splendid garden? Our chairman said that the land we have will go to be a waste if it’s lying over like that. Then he turns it to be this splendid garden which matches the image of our school perfectly. Since our school building is kinda like castle after all. But, he only managed a small part of it, budged is thigh. Now, at the left side is our school field. We’ll we rarely use it anyway, unless we have P.E class. Nothing special.”
“Well, behind our cafeteria are the two pillars, our dorms. The right dorm is our regular dorm, and the left one is S-class dorm.”
“S-class?” ask her curiously.
“You don’t know S-class? They’re very popular here. S-class is the special class. Their uniform is white layered red. They’re all gorgeous person. And the most important is they’re all extremely wealth with a really good brain.” Said Alcolt with a serious face.
“You mean they’re like an idol or something here?”
“Yup. And don’t ever make a problem with S-class students or you want the whole school to be your enemy.”
“That sounds scary. But I didn’t see one of these S-class students so far?”
“Because they have small number. Well, it’s already hard to believe there are people so perfect but they managed to gather these perfect human here. And the fact that all of us study under the same school.” Said him while looking afar. “Well, even tough I said it like that you won’t understand unless you see them yourself. It’s almost the time. When you see the crowd gathers, that means them.” Pointing his fingers to the left dorm.
“C’mon! You will never see them if we stay still here. We need to go through the crowds. Otherwise you can’t see them at all. You must go through the crowd with all might” pushing Elle’s back
“Wa—wait~~, with this many crowd?” answered Elle with a little high pitched voice
“They’re the idol. You won’t regret after seeing them. All girls go crazy for them.”
All she could see is the gathering of (mostly) female population of the school. The female students scream with joy and the male students just standing there amazed by those red layered uniform people. The number of people gather is increasing, very fast. But the crowd is like controlled by them. As they walk, all regular students give out their way, making a path for them to walk.
Right here before of Elle’s eyes, the group which called the
famous S-class. Small group which consist not more than 20 people but great
enough to makes uproar of the entire school. This white layered red uniform,
they move in group, and, at the center of these gorgeous people, the one who
lead them as I feel.
This man, omitted an enormous aura. The most gorgeous man from all of them. He walks and takes the lead. Elle look at him and barely could she looks away. She could not stand firmly in front of him.
Red near blood color eyes, long & wavy hair, white near pale skin, a sharp well formed nose, wide & well shoulder also chest. Long legs, about 180 cm, and well shaped body.
A man with these great conditions, but why when you looked into his eyes, deep inside, Elle feels darkness.
She thinks she reached her limits by just looking into his eyes while he walks near her more and more. The sound of Elle’s throbbing heart, and she clinched her teeth unconsciously, then….